breathe

We had a tough month in december. And were still paying for that month.

550 for rent
340 for car payment
100 for water
220 for gas
60 for electricity

Add that and another say 300 for our credit cards and loans.

Sooo crazy how all through my whole pregnancy we were trying so hard to
get back on our feet, and be stable for atleast 2 years. And when we
finally did, once Emily came out everything went downhill from there.
And of course you don't wanna think of all that stress related stuff
after having the one joy in our lives., so that's why were dealing with
it now. That's why I just now brought it up. Ha.
My place of problems.

We were reading this thing in class, this article, about 'coping skills
and horrible imaginings' that's what its called. Nov 17th is officially
coping with uncertainty day" haha. What a coincidence eh? Anyway its
about different people coping with uncertainty in different ways. They
did a study on people who were worried about losing their jobs and those
who were not concerned. And study shows that the ones who worried
reported worse overall in health and were more depressed. Chronic stress
can actually damage your health. I have productive worry. Meaning I
worry about stuff that can be easily handled. Basically.

Im learning how to control my anxiety. Emily's helped me a lot in that.
She calms me down. And just looking at her makes all my worries go away.
Its amazing. Like last night when me and nikko were talking about all
our bills and moving out and all that, I got really stressed just
talking about it and my anxiety hit, and I was on the verge of even
crying, then I looked at her lying next to me sleeping, and remembered.
Its all for her, she's the reason we wanna fix everything. And knowing
that it was all for her, calmed me down a little cos, I would GLADLY do
anything for her. As opposed to doing it for myself, if it were for
myself or even nikko, my anxiety would have killed me.

I don't know if im depressed. There are so many different types of
depression I don't even know if I am. A few nights ago, we all went to
bed and right when my head hit my pillow, Emily started crying, and woke
up. I didn't know what she wanted, that whole day she wasn't acting like
herself, I don't know if its her growing up or if she was sick. But I
just couldn't please her. So I held her. While she was whining and then
she began to cry. I looked at her dead in the eyes and she actually
looked back, and I just broke down. I started crying with her. Ha. It
sounds silly but it happened. And I just felt at that moment that I just
wasn't fit for being a mother. I couldn't even please her. I felt like I
wasn't taking care of her the right way. And then I started missing
those nights where I just went to bed, and going out with nikko, and
sleeping with nikko, I can't even hug him at night anymore, I just
started missing life before Emily. I felt bad thinking about it and
missing it. But I couldn't lie to myself anymore. At that moment, just
that moment, I wanted my life back.

I was so hard admitting it, even to myself, in my head. The next day I
felt fine, I don't know if it was cos I just pushed it to the furthest
part of my mind or what, but I felt fine.

Postpartum depression was something I feared of when I was pregnant. I
thought no, I would never think to want my life back after having her. I
would never think of giving my child away. And when it happened that
night. All those thoughts, after realizing I was thinking something so
horrible and something I told myself I would never think, just scared me
to death.

I don't know how to explain it. Or myself. But when things get too hard
I always seem to run as far away from it as possible. I don't wanna run
away from her, but sometimes I just can't help it.
--
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