Is that crazy or what.
I feel like nikko and I are babysitting my sister or something.
I love her like my daughter.
But I can't believe she's ours.
Everytime I look at her, that's all I can think about...
She's really here.
Its not a dream.
--
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I hate them.
Anyway, its sick season for nikko and I! Yay!
I used to never get sick or anything.
And now since I've moved here I get sick all the time.
Its irritating.
We went to the baby shower.
And its at a restaurant I absolutely hate.(now)
The first time I went there I ordered spaghetti with shrimp.
And the shrimp tasted like fish.
Not even like season good smelling fish either,
But straight-from-the-damn-sea fish.
And I hatee fish.
So I eat a small bite. And I say 'hey this tastes like fish'
And I don't think anything of it, then I take a bigger bite
And I start retching.
And the waitress catches me.
And blah blah it was embarrassing but I got a refund.
She wouldn't let me pay.
So at the baby shower I went there soooo hungry.
I didn't eat the whole day.
And when we get there.
First of all, we were late.
So that made things awkward.
Then we ordered.
I ordered fajita steak.
It came with mushrooms.
I hate mushrooms.
But I ate the steak anyway.
Blahblah. We went home.
Went to bed, and stuff.
I wake up at 5 in the morning,
Had the hugessst stomach ache.
I didn't know what was going on.
I felt like throwing up.
For a couple hours I was holding myself from throwing up.
I hate throwing up. So I held it in thinking it would go away.
But it didn't and I ended up throwing up my dinner.
It was so gross.
Stupid place poisoned me!
And made me throw up.
Bitches.
Now nikko has some stomach problems.
This whole day he felt sick.
He also threw up this morning.
And still doesn't feel any better.
I think he has salmonella.
I don't know.
Im worried.
--
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Sarah.. I don't know her last name.
Anyway its gonna be awkward.
Cos I don't know anyone. But like one person.
Annnd. To my understanding... She used to like him.
Girls know how girls are.
And how they do things.
And she did things that he told me of
That lead me to believe that she liked him at one point.
Whether he wants to believe it or not.
She did.
Anyway Emily looks cute as usual.
She peed on herself again today.
So I had to undress her to take a bath and well. She didn't like that.
She cried sooo much.
And when she stopped she had the cutest after cry.
You know when you kinda have shortness of breath after crying.
Well that's what I mean by after cry.
She's so cute.
Well its my time to get ready.
Ughhehhh
--
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letting her head lie on my, feels so great. I feel more and more like a
mom everyday.
She's amazing.
--
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550 for rent
340 for car payment
100 for water
220 for gas
60 for electricity
Add that and another say 300 for our credit cards and loans.
Sooo crazy how all through my whole pregnancy we were trying so hard to
get back on our feet, and be stable for atleast 2 years. And when we
finally did, once Emily came out everything went downhill from there.
And of course you don't wanna think of all that stress related stuff
after having the one joy in our lives., so that's why were dealing with
it now. That's why I just now brought it up. Ha.
My place of problems.
We were reading this thing in class, this article, about 'coping skills
and horrible imaginings' that's what its called. Nov 17th is officially
coping with uncertainty day" haha. What a coincidence eh? Anyway its
about different people coping with uncertainty in different ways. They
did a study on people who were worried about losing their jobs and those
who were not concerned. And study shows that the ones who worried
reported worse overall in health and were more depressed. Chronic stress
can actually damage your health. I have productive worry. Meaning I
worry about stuff that can be easily handled. Basically.
Im learning how to control my anxiety. Emily's helped me a lot in that.
She calms me down. And just looking at her makes all my worries go away.
Its amazing. Like last night when me and nikko were talking about all
our bills and moving out and all that, I got really stressed just
talking about it and my anxiety hit, and I was on the verge of even
crying, then I looked at her lying next to me sleeping, and remembered.
Its all for her, she's the reason we wanna fix everything. And knowing
that it was all for her, calmed me down a little cos, I would GLADLY do
anything for her. As opposed to doing it for myself, if it were for
myself or even nikko, my anxiety would have killed me.
I don't know if im depressed. There are so many different types of
depression I don't even know if I am. A few nights ago, we all went to
bed and right when my head hit my pillow, Emily started crying, and woke
up. I didn't know what she wanted, that whole day she wasn't acting like
herself, I don't know if its her growing up or if she was sick. But I
just couldn't please her. So I held her. While she was whining and then
she began to cry. I looked at her dead in the eyes and she actually
looked back, and I just broke down. I started crying with her. Ha. It
sounds silly but it happened. And I just felt at that moment that I just
wasn't fit for being a mother. I couldn't even please her. I felt like I
wasn't taking care of her the right way. And then I started missing
those nights where I just went to bed, and going out with nikko, and
sleeping with nikko, I can't even hug him at night anymore, I just
started missing life before Emily. I felt bad thinking about it and
missing it. But I couldn't lie to myself anymore. At that moment, just
that moment, I wanted my life back.
I was so hard admitting it, even to myself, in my head. The next day I
felt fine, I don't know if it was cos I just pushed it to the furthest
part of my mind or what, but I felt fine.
Postpartum depression was something I feared of when I was pregnant. I
thought no, I would never think to want my life back after having her. I
would never think of giving my child away. And when it happened that
night. All those thoughts, after realizing I was thinking something so
horrible and something I told myself I would never think, just scared me
to death.
I don't know how to explain it. Or myself. But when things get too hard
I always seem to run as far away from it as possible. I don't wanna run
away from her, but sometimes I just can't help it.
--
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Knowing how it all started.
And all the feelings that came with it.
I just love when the relationship was pure.
And not tainted.
Where it was allll good.
And just perfect, literally.
I wish I can just jump into other peoples lives and feel that feeling
over and over again.
Just the start.
That's my favorite part.
I love looking back at the start of mine and nikkos relationship.
And feeling the emotions I felt when we first kissed,
Hugged,
Held hands,
Spoke.
Everything.
Back to our conversations that'll last all night till the next morning.
To making my day from just hearing his voice.
And the butterflies from him telling me I was beautiful.
It just feels good going back to those days.
Where I was the most in love.
Not knowing that I would be more in love four years later.
No way could I have predicted our future turning out the way it has.
But im still satisfied.
Just as long as he's still in my life.
If nothing lasts forever,
Will you be my nothing?
=)
p.s, MONICA! I can't view your page.=) mmiss you too!
--
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I was reading this forum on abortion, that baby center emailed me.
I don't know why they would send me something like that...
But they did.
And I read it.
And there were soo many girls whos boyfriend drove them to abort.
Who was so selfish, and who only thought about themselves
Rather than thinking about giving life to something they've started.
If anything they were at fault for doing what they did.
And took it out on an unborn child.
Abortion is selfish.
Adoption is selfless.
Atleast you're still giving your child life.
I remember when I was thinking about aborting.
Not Emily, but my first one.
I was so scared. I didn't know how I was gonna do it.
And I didn't know how to tell my family.
But I realized... im gonna abort this child cos I was afraid.?
Cos I didn't wanna tell anyone.?
It was all cos of me.
I was trying to save myself rather than save my baby.
Im so glad I didn't do it.
I feel guilty enough for even thinking about it.
I mustered up the strength to tell everyone.
And some were disappointed and others we're happy.
I told myself regardless of what other people said,
Im having my baby.
5 months went by and I lost it.
It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life.
But I don't think it would've been worse than willingly taking its life
away.
Im so glad I have Emily.
She is the best thing that's happened to me.
To my life.
We weren't ready of course.
We weren't even ready the first time.
But I never once thought about losing her just cos we weren't ready.
Or cos we were scared.
She deserved life and the best life at that.
And we're working on giving that to her.
I don't think I would have ever felt this kind of love
If it weren't for her.
Its completely different from anything I've ever felt.
And to think that people give up on the opportunity to feel that love,
Its ridiculous.
I can't imagine my life without her.
--
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She's been throwing up and sweating and stuff.
She's been acting weird. And we've been wondering why.
And then she started throwing up last night.and a couple times already
this morning.
And its not cos she's eating too much cos shell eat an ounce then five
minutes later shell spit up. A lot.
She's never done that before.
Ill just keep taking her temperature and if it gets really bad we'll go
to the emergency room.
Im scared.
--
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to act when im away from her anymore. All I think about is her. But its
kinda weird cos when im with her, nikkos away and when im with him she's
away. Its hard to be away from her, but it gives nikko and I the alone
time we so badly needed. Class with him is kinda weird. Cos well he's my
boyfriend. But its ok. I actually feel more comfortable with him around
then not. And all our classes we have together SUCK big time. They're
all boring. And the only class we don't have together is our favorite.
What do you know, right?
My nature and color photography class is by far my favorite, not only is
our instructor awesome but its more hands on than any other class.
I think I've decided I wanted to be a photography teacher? Hmm maybe
here at nossi? Mayyybe.
I think my goals are wayyyy outts my league, but it can't hurt to try.
--
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Its funny.
The other day me and Nikko talked about how people made it seem like
having a baby completely exhausts you.
Like gets you sooo tired you're unable to even stand.
And we were like, 'yeaaa, we wake up at night to feed her, but it hasn't
made us THAT tired, like everyone says it would.'
And now I feel it.
I jinxed myself.
Bad.
Now im just waiting for her to get tired of playing
AND GO TO SLEEP!
I still like her.=)
--
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I believe dreams are based on things you think too much about.
Something that's constantly on your mind.
I love her, and never want to lose her.
Last night I dreamt about some guy me Nikko and Emily were hiding from.
I don't know why we were hiding from him but we were..
We ended up in a huge house.. Like a mansion and met up with another
guy.
He owned the house im guessing cos he took us in and brought us to the
upstairs bathroom.
The bathroom had a huge window... so we can see outside.
And outside there's a porch.
Like my dads house.. And im there with Nikko and this guy and Emily.
Waiting for this guy to take us to some type of underground safe place.
And im asking 'this is where were gonna hide?!'
And all of a sudden I see this huge guy were running from climb up the
porch.
And were freaking out cos we can see him coming and he can see us.
Stuck.
Then while he's trying to get into the house,
We run out of the bathroom downstairs.
And somehow he's there too!
And catches us going down the stairs.
And tries to grab Emily from me. And im thinking why do you want her?!
And im crying and sad and it feels so real.
And he has her and she's just looking back at me with the saddest face.
Like I let her down.
How can I let someone just snatch her from me.?
Right out of my arms.?
And im looking around at Nikko and this other guy,
Wondering why aren't they helping me?
Why aren't they stopping him?!
It was like they were in on it too.
Just watching her get taken away.
I was so sad.
Then I woke up.
And saw her sleeping next to me.
=)
--
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I hate taking her calls. I try to avoid it as much as possible.
But I know that me not picking up may hurt her even more then she
already is.
The only reason I would risk my life and move back to louisiana.
Is to see my mom happy.
Because I've disappointed her so much in the past.
I feel like I have so much to make up for.
She misses Emily so much.
And every time she calls me, it makes me so sad to hear her sad.
It literally breaks my heart and makes me wanna cry.
I just miss her.
Sometimes she can be a pain but I really love when she's around.
And I miss her.
--
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I miss my future husband.
=(
I've missed him a lot lately.
Emily takes up a lot of both our time,
And its getting harder to make time for just us.
Snuggling at night is the most we get these days...
And that's a lot in itself.
But we still love her. =)
I just don't want to end up like those old married couples who up
realizing they can't even have a real conversation with eachother.
And I tell him that all the time.
I don't.
It scares me so bad that we might end up like that.
I think being with someone you lose interest in and dont have the same
relationship with hurts more than not being with that person.
Try to understand my poor choice of words.
I just love him and don't wanna lose him.
Both mentally and physically.
In other newssss....
Emily's doing just fine.
Getting fatter and longer each day... =)
And still keeping us up at night. Haha.
But again.., we still love her..
I wonder what he still sees in me.?
--
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Mr. And Mrs. Lovely.
---------------------------------------- 11:35 am
----------------------------------------
sanalij: I love you
---------------------------------------- 11:42 am
----------------------------------------
Nikko Deleon: Love you too babe.
Nikko Deleon: A lottss
_________________________heart
Just had to be cute again.
=)
I like when were "good".
It makes me so much more grateful to be with him.
And I love the way he talks to me.
He still gives me the butterflies.
And its so amazing.
I feel like a kid again.
Back to when we first met.
I love thinking about that year.
And how crazy it is to think we've gone this far.
We were kids.
In love.
And we still are,
Except were not kids anymore.
He still makes me feel like one though.
He's the balance in my life.
The lighter side of me.
The fun side.
I love laughing with him.
I love him.
--
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is when there's loud music. I guess the whole 'what ever you listen to
your baby listens to' is true. Im happy about it, maybe shell love music
as much as nikko does and as much as I used to.
Its crazy how drastically things have changed in the last year. I
remember when I would spend my nights, (and when I say nights, I mean
wholeeee nights up till the next morning....) trying to find new
artists, and bands, listening to EVERYTHING. And then I just didn't have
anymore time. Now a days I have to make time to even eat. And it sucks
that it has to be like that. Cos music used to be my life. My escape,
the only thing I would and could run to. And now I can even get into
anything new, cos nothing sounds good anymore. Like I missed the whole
period of great artists, and now that im realizing this, im stuck with
the bad ones. That probably doesn't make any sense.
What im trying to get at is, I don't appreciate music as much as I used
to. And everything just sounds so dull to me. Compared to the last
things I've listened to, before completely throwing it out the window.
And thered be times... a lot of times where nikko would have me listen
to random new artists that he thinks is so amazing, and thered be no
effect ... sometimes I feel bad because he gets so excited to show me
and id be like 'ehh'. I just like to compare and I don't like change,
so maybe that's why most of them don't interest me.
Back to Emily, im just glad she loves music, and loud music at that!
She's so perfect. I dropped the phone on her this morning, and I feel so
bad.
I love my family.
--
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_______NIKKO_______
My love. My life.
The only person who can make me smile after a horrible day.
Even when he was the one who made it so bad.
The only person I can and will depend on.
Sometimes its so hard to write about him,
Cos well there's not much to say,
He's simply amazing.
I've been spending a lot of time writing in my journal...
Something I thought id never go back to.
Id never HAVE to go back to.
Throughout my whole pregnancy I've just been writing...
And what I realized is that there is no greater happiness
Then the joy of knowing you have the perfect family.
That WE made the most beautiful thing.
That I gave her LIFE.
And TOGETHER, we did this.
We made this.
And forever, we'll cherish it.
I know this year hasn't shown its full capacity of what its able to give
us, yet.
But its just the beginning.
There'll be tougher times.
Longer leaps.
Higher jumps.
And in the end,... we'll still have eachother.
Its a promise.
A vow.
I wish so much to just be able to take the stress and the pain away from
you.
To put it all on me.
And I worry about you so much...
As much as you hide it, with a smile,
Or a simple 'I don't care' shrug of the shoulder.
I know you're asking for a way out.
Out of this place...
Out of this life.
Of this struggle.
Im sorry.
Im trying my best not to worry so much...
But when it comes to you.
There's no stopping it.
Because I love you so much.
I just want you to be ok.
________EMILY_________
You are the light in my life.
You take my breath away.
I still can't believe you're here.
And you're ours.
I will love you more than any man will ever love you =)
I love my family.
--
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