little jokester.

2 comments <3 Jilana at 11:29 PM

i lied when i said everything was great that day. 



i love my family. i love them a lot, and i dont know what i would do without them. but sometimes i just need time to myself, just emily and i. and today i feel like they crossed the line, and just barged into my life. i hate feeling like i resent them, but today, was just above and beyond. anyway. i also love nikko. i dont say it much anymore, well as much as i used to, but i do. and yesterday, i just felt so dead. inside. i told myself, begged myself to never feel like that ever again.  and lately i have been. its always been me to hide things from people, and now i want everyone to know how im feeling and how my life is. im just tired of hiding.





enough.



i mis emily, shes sleeping over my dads. =(

 

help me feel again

0 comments <3 Jilana at 10:06 AM


i dont wanna be like this all the time, and i feel like im back in high school. my worst and best times ever. i dont know if i feel the same things anymore. i dont have the same outlook on life. i dont know if its  better or worse. im even more confused about marriage, and i keep telling myself, i dont have to get married, just because i have a kid. but i dont see myself marrying anyone else other than nikko. i dont know. and it kinda sucks. i never thought id openly feel like this. i mean i dont know if this whole motherhood thing is getting to me, but i just dont know anymore. im sad. i dont know how to feel, or react, or if i should talk about it, i probably shouldnt, but i dont wanna just let it pass. cos thats all we do, is let it go. and forget about it. i think when i feel myself getting too close, i kind of take a step back and think, what am i doing. and i get scared, i never ever thought i would ever be with anyone for this long, and i have been, and still am, and its scary. really scary. i just need help adjusting to this. i think. this just has been on y mind, and i dont know what to do, i feel alone.

thats all.

 

Sometimes knowing too much hurts.

0 comments <3 Jilana at 12:03 PM

everythings going down.

too fast for me to catch up.

 

CALIFORNIAAAAA... here i come.

1 comments <3 Jilana at 10:04 PM


everything's been great, for those of you who read this. i dont even know who does now-a-days. haha. anyway, so its official, well its been official, WE ARE VISITING NOT ONLY IN JUNE, BUT DECEMBER ALSO! we got the tickets and everything. im kinda busy right now and ant really type, so ill leave you guys with pictures. =) 


this is clair, my god daughter. and yes, i took these.=)

 

2 comments <3 Jilana at 11:06 AM


C i miss the view from my room. overlooking downtown San Diego. i used to look at it for hours at a time, and not be phased by anything else. it brought me peace, and made me calm more than anything else could. i still dont know or understand how i got to this place, but im sorta glad i did, and sorta mad. i dont know that ill ever find a place that defined the word freedom as much as home. i actually felt like i lived in the U.S. this here, is something soo different, i feel out of place everywhere that i go, its a complete culture shock. anyway, im excited to bring Emily home.


She laughed yesterday, her very first laugh, i was trying so hard to hold back my tears, it was the most amazing feeling ever.

 

K.I.T.

1 comments <3 Jilana at 7:55 PM

i always used to tell people to "keep in touch" after writing them a letter or calling them, but really, i don't know what that even means anymore. on my behalf of course. i hate myself sometimes. and sometimes i can be the biggest hypocrite, it just sucks, bad. you know, i have all these different forms of communication and i still cant stay true to my word. i don't know why i am this way, and i try so hard to change it but i cant. and i honestly think that i could still have the same friendships i began with since elementary, if only i kept in touch like i said i would. my friendships with other people were the only things that kept me sane back then, with my disconnection with my whole family and everything, i always had a friend to run to, and now its just so different, had i kept in touch maybe then i wouldn't feel so alone. maybe then i would still have the same bond with the friends i had back then. it hurts sometimes, to want to go back and change everything, because i never wanted to be that person who regretted anything that's happened in my life but i do. and it sucks.


i look at other people's lives and i wonder how my life would be if Emily had not been born. i know, it sounds horrible, but I'm not asking for any ones opinion. i even feel bad myself. i don't regret having her in any way at all. its just how would my life be without her, i do miss all the stuff i used to do and planned on doing. i sometimes feel like I've given up my life too soon. I'm maturing too quick, and not having enough fun. I'm sad about that, but now that i think of it, I'm actually doing more now then I've ever done before.

it just saddens me to think that i had so much more to do, before growing up. maybe this was supposed to happen, i don't know. its made me a lot happier, that's for sure. ha ha. i think that's why I've been so afraid of commitment, i was afraid of losing that freedom, you know? and i think i still am. I'm not too sure. I've always ran away from my problems, and this time i stayed. its a new feeling.

 

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